Praying for a Breakthrough

Tired.
Wornout.
Exhausted.
Sad.
Depressed.
Scared.
Anxious.
Stuck.
Worried.

The words above have defined me lately. For a few years now. I've always been able to over come these feelings. But lately I've been stuck. And stuck for far too long.

I let the devil in. Whispering my ear that I am not good enough. That my anxiety is who I am. That I am not good enough to be a wife, or good enough to be a teacher, and certainly not a good enough mom. If a friend told me that she felt all of these feelings, I would tell her to talk to someone. I would pray for her, I would persuade her that she is wrong. That she is made perfect in God's eyes. That those feelings don't have to stay. 

Yet here I was feeling so much hurt and not being able to convince myself that I too am worth feeling more. I started to distance myself from family and friends. Staying in my own bubble worried about what others would think about me. I couldn't let them see me like this. I couldn't let them see me cry. They saw me as this strong person. Who could give good advice, could pray for them, a person who had it all together. How would they see me? So I hid myself. Hid my feelings from my husband, my family, and my friends. Each day I woke up and did what I needed to do. Pushing my feelings deep down inside so that I wouldn't have to address them and certainly not feel them. 

Then last summer, was one of the hardest summers of my life. For reasons I can't even type but it was hard. My life was spiraling, and because of it I was going deeper into depression. I could tell my joy was depleting and my light just couldn't shine anymore. 

Finally, one I day I broke. I cried in a chair in front of my Bible study girls, and I let them in. They embraced me, they hugged me and they convinced me along with my other two best friends to get help. 

The anxiety of even finding help was overwhelming. So many phone calls and no one seemed to have availability and I was put on wait lists. It was extremely stressful and only intensified my anxiety. Finally, I found someone with an opening, and I started counseling two weeks later.

For a while, I went once every week. Now I go every 2-3 weeks. It's been refreshing. It's been healing, and it's most definitely been needed. 

During my counseling, I have learned that I have placed myself last. I take care of my kids and my husband, but rarely do I do things for ME. The saying is true, you can't pour from an empty cup. 

So this year, in 2020, one of my best friend's word of the year, was BREAKTHROUGH. I fell in love with the word, and adapted for myself. So I'm hoping for a BREAKTHROUGH with a lot of things for myself, my family, my health. 

One of the things I am working hard on is reading the Bible every day all the way through. It's something I struggle with in this busy season of life. But I have a great accountability partner and I am only a few days behind where I need to be. But it's a breakthrough I'm working hard at!


Also, tomorrow, I start on a journey to become healthier. I signed up with a friend from church, made some grocery lists, and we will see how this goes. I am hoping to be disciplined and get my health on the right track. I have 3 beautiful girls and a husband who need a healthy momma! 

Wish me luck! This momma is reaching and I know God is working in me! I am so thankful! 

Signed, 
a Momma praying for a Breakthrough!